#3 Feeling vexed.

This is the 11th day I spend in Muar, alone. Finally will be going back kl tomorrow, but somehow rather I just don't feel happy. As always, mum will plan my schedule for me. "You'll only be back for 3 days, attend your EDC and come back on Friday. Then, go back and sit for your exam on the 3rd, 4th and 6th, after that you'll spend your whole December in Muar until college starts in January, any problem?" said mum. What can I do? Nod my head, and say alright.

Deep down I'm not alright. I'm already 18, can't I have my own planning?

Well, I'm not here to criticise my parents like what the others do out there, I merely need to talk, really don't feel good bottling up everything. Each time when I'm feeling frustrated, I'd always remind myself, life is not always a bed of roses. I'm the eldest child in my family, and also the first child in my family who's studying in kl, or technically the only one who enjoys living independently. Yes I don't deny that for the past 10 days in Muar, I really really do feel warmth and glad to be home, as I don't need to spend a single cent on meals, homecooked food for lunch and dinner, have my own car here (though there's nowhere I can go, sadly.) and also, the warmness only family can give. But ironically, my parents work, bro's schooling, grandparents have  their own programmes, and even the maid has her housework to do. I'm like the only one doing nothing at home, wandering around the house, pacing up and down like a walking zombie. I do feel lonely honestly speaking. Friends may not mean everything yes this statement is true, but try putting yourself in my shoes, every single day waking up around noon, have lunch then after that you'll have the-don't-know-what-to-do feeling until the end of the day. I know, I'm supposed to study for my finals which is like one month away, but I've been trying very hard to force myself to concentrate and study, ended up I still can't get the mood right. This is my problem I'm aware of that, I've no guts to tell my mum that I might be able to get the study mood back in kl. As you know, which parents will actually accept that their kids could study even better than at home? Especially there's a building namely 'Sunway Pyramid' just 10 mins away from the place I stay, how can they believe that I'll not succumb to the temptation, urgh. #Firstworldproblem

On the contrary, of course I'll need to stand on my parents' point of view. They're really happy to see me home, well I don't know how to explain why but I think I'll come to understand it one day when I've my own children. So, it's rather contradicting. I really don't wanna stay here cuz loneliness kills :(, but meanwhile I don't wanna upset my parents. To me, all those books and philosophies regarding filial piety are just bullshit, the best way to be filial is just to keep our elderly happy. I really wish I could bear in mind all the time, but somehow rather the devil in me will tend to make it the other way round.

Can anyone tell me what should I do next? I did try to negotiate with my mum but well, it just doesn't seem to work. And since young I've this habit, I don't know is it a good one or bad. Some people when their parents unable to grant their wishes, they would either 1) Cajole or 2) Throw tantrum and eventually they will get what they want. Unfortunately this two methods are never applicable to me. I will neither cajole nor throw tantrum, what I do is just accept it, and move on. Yeah deep down maybe I'll have bunch of complaints or frustration or anger, but I just won't vent it on my parents nor demand for more. Golden rule I've in my head since young, "Mum said 1, means never demand for 2."So perhaps I should just stick to my Mummy's Girl title and stay at home.



Be good Mae, life will definitely treat you better. Lemons are getting expensive, to maintain its budget surplus it will not give you anymore free lemons to quench your thirst. Cheer! <3 :)